I have been single for many years and last night I had this incredible conversation with a friend of mine who happens to be single also. We were discussing what we both had to offer a potential mate and how “bad” we look on paper. We both agreed that looking at ourselves in this way was probably holding us back and it occurred to me that there are probably many others who feel the same way. So I decided once again to venture outside of my comfort zone and to show you what I look like on paper today.
I do not own my home, I rent.
The 16 year old car that I drive was given to me by my loving mom because I could not afford to keep the one that I had.
I do not have a life insurance policy.
I do not have health insurance.
I do not have a retirement plan or a 401k.
I do not have a savings account.
My credit score is not the best.
I have a job that barely keeps a roof over my head and not a career.
I don’t feel as marketable anymore because of my age and lack of degree.
My furniture is worn out and a lot of the things that I have were given to me.
I worry about things wearing out or breaking down and not being able to replace them.
Sometimes I get anxiety when I think about being one paycheck away from homelessness.
I panic when I think about losing the friend that helps me with my website because writing has become so important to me. I need him and it was so hard for me to ask for help.
I panic when I think that I’m running out of time due to my age.
I’m ashamed of where I am at this phase of my life compared to others.
I’m tired of being broke and unable to help or to bless people that I love and care about that I have in my life.
I’m worn out from so much of my time and energy being devoted to worrying about all of these things.
I’m frustrated as hell.
I don’t need for someone to rescue me. I just need for someone to understand me, to not judge me, to be patient with me as I work through this which is taking an awful long time.
I don’t want to be perceived as a “gold digger” if I date someone who’s better off than I am; money doesn’t make the man and I have never been about that.
Sometimes all I need is for someone to put their arms around me and to tell me that everything is going to be all right.
I oftentimes wonder who would want me because after all, today “I don’t look that good on paper”.
Now before I tug at your compassionate heart strings and you begin to respond with sentiments like “cheer up, things will get better”, “keep the faith” and “hang in there”, I need to explain what this post is all about. This post is about me being real and sharing how I feel just about every day of my life about who I am and where I am. I am doing this because a very perceptive friend of mine shared with me that she can sense in my writing that I am holding back and you know what, she’s right. I can’t always write about fluff; it’s time for me to go deeper and to become even more transparent. That is the only way that I can continue to grow and to move forward. My friend encouraged me that when I am writing and I “get to the edge”, to keep going and that is what this post is all about. It’s an attempt to get my fight back, to get over the pity parties, to quit playing the shame game and to realize my true worth and value in God’s eyes.
As always, your comments are welcome….
2 thoughts on “But, I Don’t Look That Good on Paper”
This is beautiful and really something I needed to read at this stage in my life. Thank you for sharing your struggles with others to let people see they are not the only ones dealing with real life issues. Sorry it comes at a price of mental agonist. But I am beginning to believe and realize that we will all make it thru the storm we are personally fighting within ourselves:)
Thank you Valerie.